Below is a question and answer response on ‘finding love’. Scroll down for shakti’s response in red.

Namaste, shakti,

This is a subject that I am still learning about. When does one come to that place of ‘finding love’ in other? The more I delve into my own yoga practice, the less I feel the ‘need’ for intimate connection with other. I feel physical need/desire that stems from a biological and primal urge to have union with a lover, but emotionally I don’t feel I really ‘need’ it. I have an ex-boyfriend, whom fits with the ‘business of love’ description’ you wrote about. I still feel a yearning to connect with him, but a deep hatred for him as well, because he never fully satisfied my needs and desires. Basically, our love was conditional, though we still communicate and have some kind of connection. I know there is a deep love there between usâ?¦ but it is truly masked by egoâ?? for both of us.

I have been exploring lately, when I feel the need for intimacy from a lover, going into meditation instead. Then, my desires fade, and I feel connected. I guess I’m just in a space (and philosophically I have been exploring this for years) where I feel there is no need for an external lover. BUTâ?¦I am desiring oneâ?¦

I want to feel fulfilled and unconditionally accepting of my Self first, before such a relationship comes into my life. And I am, more and more. In fact, I am fulfilled right now, I just feel forgetful at times, because of the noise of the outside world.
I feel my thoughts are going in circles on this, but hopefully the heart of my point is coming through.

shakti’s response is in red below:

Sarah: This is a subject that I am still learning about. When does one come to that place of ‘finding love’ in other?

shakti: When you find love in yourself. And these are not just words. It is when we don’t find love in ourselves that we reach out to get the supply from others. This is when we become demanding as love is oxygen and if your breath is depending on somebody else potentially he/she holds power over you. This is why so often, tension is involved in a love relationship. It is because of the dependency we create so quickly on each other. In your sub conscience you know you are not free.

Sarah: The more I delve into my own yoga practice, the less I feel the ‘need’ for intimate connection with other. I feel physical need/desire that stems from a biological and primal urge to have union with a lover, but emotionally I don’t feel I really ‘need’ it.

shakti: This is because, in your essence you do not need it, yet you can still choose to manifest intimacy. However, if you come with no need your heart will be fully open as you will have nothing to lose. The need for intimacy comes as you said, from our state of survival. Once you rise above the need to survive you find yourself intimate with everything around you, from the light to the breeze to the bees that are flirting with the flowers. Intimacy that rises beyond our programming has nothing to do with getting something from the other but more with sharing, connecting with ourselves throughout our infinite reflections.

Sarah: I have an ex-boyfriend, whom fits with the ‘business of love’ description’ you wrote about. I still feel a yearning to connect with him, but a deep hatred for him as well, because he never fully satisfied my needs and desires.

He she needs to be:

Attractive but only to us.
Funny, as well as serious
Deep yet light
Close to us but give us space when we need it
Confident but gentle
Very passionate but only to us
Very loyal but not too jealous

And most importantly, he or she must be crazy about us although we ourselves need not have any of the above qualities.

The difference is that in the store of conditional love the currency for purchasing is your freedom.

If you NEED to be fulfilled by others you sell your freedom for this ‘fulfillment’. You will either always be frustrated as your expectations are not fulfilled or if they are fulfilled, you will be afraid that it may be taken away from you.

Sarah: Basically, our love was conditional, though we still communicate and have some kind of connection.

shakti: The connection is of 2 addicts that are, at the same time, drug dealers for each other.

Sarah: I have been exploring lately, when I feel the need for intimacy from a lover, going into meditation instead. Then, my desires fade, and I feel connected.

shakti: As long as meditation doesn’t become an escape it is great. It is clear that you already have a powerful ability for honest self observation. This is essential on the path of becoming free. The next step is implementing the changes you want to see with no excuses.

Sarah: I guess I’m just in a space (and philosophically I have been exploring this for years) where I feel there is no need for an external lover. BUT “I am desiring one?”

shakti: Often it takes time for the small self that operates from survival programming, to catch up with the higher self beyond mind and concepts. This may create a sense of having a split personality. It is very common on the path of spirituality.

Sarah: I want to feel fulfilled and unconditionally accepting of my Self first, before such a relationship comes into my life. And I am, more and more. In fact, I am fulfilled right now, I just feel forgetful at times, because of the noise of the outside world.

shakti: This is why it is important to be still for a period of time every day. Sit and observe your feelings, needs and desires with out judging. Do it with the same compassion with which you would observe a small child screaming that he wants more candies after he just finished a whole package. Only when you have the compassion for your small self and love for your higher self, will you forever love your ex boyfriend. After all, outside of your ‘expectations box’ he is perfect as he is.

Sarah: I feel my thoughts are going in circles on this, but hopefully the heart of my point is coming through.

I do sense lots of depth in you. Keep the practice of being aware and do not compromise in living in pain.

What do you do, when you meet somebody you think may become a love partner?

Pop lyrics describe the surface reactions at length, but underneath it’s likely that you’ll start a checklist. You’ll want to check if s/he is going to give you what’s missing from your life.

If you are looking for stability, you will ask if s/he is going to be a rock. If you are looking for financial security, money will go onto your list. If you feel you are weak in spiritual dialogue, you will itemize his/her spiritual qualities. You will also ask, is s/he loving, strong, or weak? Or, weak enough so that you feel strong? It is often a very long checklist.

Then you will score your list by points. Your overall score will tell you whether s/he will fulfill all of your needs, to be loved, to feel secure, to belong. Whether s/he will fit with who you are (insert self description here, like educated, wild, conservative, introverted, family oriented).

When we perceive ourselves as being incomplete, we constantly look for another to complete us. In the language of love, the phrase “you complete me” is a common one.

Making your list is the first step in the business of love: preparing to barter.

The deal on the table is, “I will love you if you will provide me with all the missing parts that I need to be a complete person.”

Building your checklist starts from the first moment of meeting, and you will modify and add to it throughout the days, weeks, months-even longer-until you know either way.

Or think you do.

Maybe the candidate passes the “checklist of acceptance” stage, and is willing to barter. That is, when s/he has done a checklist on you, and you have passed.

You both move to the second stage of the contract, testing whether expectations will be fulfilled.

For example, you will test out clauses that say, “I expect you to make me:

feel safe

feel happy

feel attractive

feel important

feel like I belong

feel I am desirable

feel ……

If one of the parties fails to fulfill the other’s expectations, then pain, frustration, disappointment and anger will arise. The deal might begin to fall apart right here.

If the second stage does work (for a while, anyway) you’ll likely move up to Stage 3 of the deal. Here are the clauses that require the other to “become just like me.”

You should think like me

You should love like me

You should act like me

You should desire like me

You should dream like me

You should clean the kitchen like I do

You should be like me

The business approach to love is a process of barter: it is always conditional. Every time you draft a contract to love that’s based on your own needs, you write the conditions for potential suffering. The moment one of the signatories in the love contract does not receive their part of the bargain, the so-called “love” starts fading.

By contrast, true love can’t fade or stop. True love is unconditional and can exist only when you feel complete in yourself. True love manifests from this experience of oneness. Loving others means loving yourself: accepting your failings, inadequacies, or needs and no longer requiring someone else to complete them. True love means you may dislike people’s behavior or not agree with their actions but it will not affect the love and compassion that you experience towards them.

When you look back at your love relationships that failed, with people that you thought you loved intensely, you may be puzzled that you don’t anymore. The more you feel you loved them then, the more likely it is, now, that you actually feel resentment or hate towards them.

If this happens, then you should know you never loved them from the beginning. You were simply involved in the business of love.

When you look back at your life, can you say that you ever truly loved? Unconditionally and without needs?

Prana Yoga College

www.pranayogacollege.com